What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 18.06.2025 06:53
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Why do I smell bad even though I have good hygiene?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Have you been arrested or investigated?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was 9 years of age.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Why do some women squirt and some don't?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
All the time i was locked up.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
How did it feel when experiencing gay sex for the first?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Would you let your partner cheat on you every now and again?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I said to her
I don,t even have a pension.
What can help me fall asleep at night?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He resisted the act ,that day.
In what ways Indian parents are destroying their children's life?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
So, i spoilt her more .
When she asked me how she looked .
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My life is so biszare .
Was to survive, this bastard.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She was in good health!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im still living with it.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
In what ways is Bollywood becoming westernized?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
This is soul school!.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Would this be the day?
I think the readers, may guess!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was scared of men, in general
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
So whats the point in blame.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
It was going to be , some day.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Especially a lifetime of it.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
What did i know ?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Put me off passion for life!!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I write beautiful poetry .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Ive learnt so much.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
One cannot live in the past .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was seconnd youngest,
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She wouldn,t have been !
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Why did i forgive my father ?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I will be 64.
But it wasn’t much.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was very sick at this time too.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
As i do to all so called friends.?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Who then, do I blame.?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I could never make a relationship work though!
But ive been too sick for many years..
She found it foreign!.
She loved him until the end.
My family never makes their pension either.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She married twice! .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I waited trembling.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Where the ultimate outsiders.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Comes on , in middle age.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And i lived it daily.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We all went to grammer schools
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But, we were locked up after school.
I never cut or harmed myself..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
We were not on the streets..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He knew the spot.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I have no regrets .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.